This is an extension of last week’s talk. The heart of he issue is resolving conflict. Last week it was in the church, today it is in marriage. The questions are about divorce but the underlying issue remains resolving conflict.

 

 Read 19:1-2

The opening line is a clue to the structure of Matthew. It is repeated and indicates an end to a teaching section.

See  7:28;  11:1; 13:53; 19:1; 26:1

 

Matthew is more than a narrative. It is structured to bring together saying of Jesus into a unified form. It is thought to be a baptismal manual or as we have been describing it, a Discipleship manual of Manual for life. Jesus brings life. This is his road map for your life.

However, the underlying story moves on. Jesus is on the move. He is leaving Galilee where most of his ministry was done and heading for Jerusalem. The good News is not just a change of thinking and a new kingdom. It is about forgiveness through the death and resurrection of Jesus. His destiny is to die and rise again, so he leaves Galilee, crosses the Jordan  and heads south towards Jericho and then up to Jerusalem.

 

 The Pharisees set an ambush. They want to know whose side he is on.  Would Jesus side with the school of Shammai, which allowed divorce only on the grounds of sexual immorality, or would he side with the school of Hillel, which sanctioned divorce on the most trivial grounds?

Lets read  the clash of thinking.

READ 19:3-12

The heart of the message of Jesus which we find summarised in Matthew 4:17 is

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." 

Repent literally means change your thinking and here we have an example of it.  While the Pharisees are looking to classify Jesus, Jesus is looking at the heart problem.

He is about what is marriage and the human struggle with sin and bitterness in relationships not rules to justify religious murder, which is what the Pharisees were apt to do if you crossed their lines.

 

So in summary Jesus is looking at the nature of marriage and the hardness of heart that leads to divorce.

Last week’s principles come onto play here. It is only when every means to reconcile a marriage has failed that divorce should be contemplated. The steps between should, among Christians, who have experienced the forgiveness of God and learn to forgive one another should build a strong resilient relationship between man and woman.

You see, I find it interesting that we tend to concentrate on verse 9 rather than the other 4 verses of what Jesus says. We like rules we can throw around, but life is messy and we are sinners saved by grace but the moral elite.

 

So let us examine what Jesus says about marriage rather than divorce.

⁴ “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Jesus reminds his hearers of well-known words in Genesis 2:24

Marriage is not some add-on for people who can afford it, who have some tax incentive or want status, God created us to be in relationships but the relationships are created for permanence. Faithfulness is a characteristic of God and we are created in his image and are at our best when we reflect that faithfulness in our lives. So Jesus adds his own stamp on marriage with “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Which we always quote after marriage vows have been made.  Marriage is not just about sex or having children or just living together, It is about two becoming one flesh. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The objective of marriage is to reflect the unity of God, three persons in one. Each married couple in this church works that out differently. We all muddle through the tensions of life and the differences of opinion. We work out from the first flush of romance, through marriage and on a changing relationship that has to triumph over all sorts of challenges. Selfishness, in-laws, disagreements on how you spend money, what colour to paint the front room, how to manage the children, what to have for dinner, the death of parents, to name but a few.

General opinion is that you should not marry until you have had an argument, so that you are open-eyed about the difficulties of marriage. On the other hand the joy of companionship, teamwork, shared experiences wider family are often lost in the debate. Marriage is good for us. Most of us were created to be in a stable life-long relationship. But not all, and Jesus was clearly one of those who were eunuchs, which is alluded to at the end of the passage.

What more is said about marriage?

 

Hebrews 13:4-6

Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.  Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"  

 

It is very significant that adultery and the love of money are listed here together. They are key elements of the cause of the breakdown of marriage. The antidote here is the guaranteed presence of Jesus.

 

When I was contemplating marriage my mother said to me, “It is an act of faith”. You don’t know how it will work out, or what the future will be like, but you step into marriage, trusting that God will play his part and each of you will work through the trials of relationships for good. Marriage is not easy because we are sinners who need to be forgiven, wayward and selfish in our thinking. And we need to understand, as in all relationships, conflict resolution is paramount.  Last week’s model applies in marriage. First we must be honest with one another and humble enough to concede we were wrong. Second we need to talk through how we see our relationship and keep working on it. Liz and I usually give The Marriage Book  as a wedding present but we need to go back through the issues it raises, Good sex, building strong relationship, the art of communication, love in action, resolving conflict, the power of forgiveness, parents and in-laws. Marriages can flounder on neglect. That is why Marriage enrichment weekends can be good, even what is called “repeating the vows”  can lead to a refreshed enthusiasm for your marriage.  Keep working on it!

 

But it does not always work.

And I would suggest that seeking wise and mature help before the and patterns of arguments get too established is, on occasions, vital.  We always think our circumstances are unique and they are but shared values and shared thinking can repair broken relationships.

 

At this point, can I point out that I have no intention of suggesting that having it out in church will help!

 

 Marriage  does not always work.

Hence Jesus’ remark

“Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  This is not part of the blame game. Jesus is realistic. Marriages break up for a variety of reasons but ultimately because we are unable to accept reproof, correction and training in righteousness.

 

In Malachi 2:16:

 “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.”

Notice it is the divorce not the divorcees that God hates. Divorce is not a nice thing and if you have ever been through it you wouldn’t need me to tell you it is very painful, very hurtful and causes all sorts of problems for both parties and the children.  But hating divorce is a reason for supporting marriage not condemning those who face this mountain of unhappiness.

 

So Jesus is against divorce just as his Father is against divorce.

In fact Malachi 2:16 can be read as

 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty.

 

However, the New Testament has a few examples of divorce.

 

1 Corinthians 7:12-13;15-17,

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk. And so I direct in all the churches.

In the case of non-Christian partners, we are clearly called to be passive in our response.

 

Here in Matthew 19:9 Jesus says

⁹ I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

This is quite specific. Serial polygamy is more unacceptable than polygamy itself. Using divorce as a means of making lust  legitimate is wrong. It is not clear that this bans re-marriage nor the passage in Matthew 5: 31

³¹ “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ ³² But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This shows that Jesus clearly spoke on this matter more than once.

 

Please note that the reason for the male centredness of these statements is that, in the day they were written, men were free to divorce, woman had limited means to seek divorce. Women were most likely to be victims.

 

So what about divorce?

I believe that just as in the church, there are grounds for divorce where there is a hardness of heart that refuses either to repent of adultery or abuse.

First the grounds of  separation.

One reason to have a person separate themselves would be when a husband or wife is abusive to their spouse and also to their children.  There is no reason that a person should put up with this.  The first thing might be to move from that location and separate and hope that the abuser gets some counselling and help.  It is not lawful to abuse another person.  Sexual abuse of children is also against the law and should be reason to relocate immediately and the one doing the sexual abusing should be turned into the law.  No one should endure such abuse – God would not look down or think it sin if a person or a spouse’s children are being abused and they are removed from whoever is molesting the child.  They have every legal right to defend their children from this and to protect themselves and their children from this.

Marital infidelity, drug abuse, and non-support are also seriously considered for separating but since we know that God hates divorce, the person or couple should seek marital counselling . The objective is reconciliation but not returning to an abusive relationship, there has to be genuine reasons for believing that change has taken place.

Of the reasons I have given, ongoing sexual immorality, is a biblical reason.  Many carry lifelong scars from things that occur in homes that are unspeakable.  You can forgive others but you can not ever undo something that leaves its mark for life.

 

Currently, legal separation is seen as pointless by legal advice because of the way English law works. Once separation is not likely to bring about change, divorce is necessary.

 

Time does not permit us to explore the question of re-marriage or the question of celibacy.

I want to return to the heart of what the Manual for life has to say about forgiveness being the central key to all relationships.

Listen to 

 

Colossians 3:12-14
Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony.

 

 Jesus taught us to pray in Luke 11:4

 Forgive us our sins,

    for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

 

In Ephesians 4:32 we read

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

 

Every relationship needs working on, marriage especially. If you are married, get to work on your marriage. All of us need to support each other in all our relationships, marriage is one of those relationships. If you are not married, you still have to work on relationships, building up and being challenged to love and forgive as you are loved and forgiven by God.

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