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Honour
your father and your mother
Well these are my parents, so under the spotlight today is my relationship with them. Or maybe there is more as they have gone to be with the Lord. As we have found before, the command is the focus on an area of relationship but includes many others. In this case Children, grandchildren, Grandparents, step relationships, and general relationships.
The Bible is uncompromising in its attitude to society. The family is God’s idea for the foundation of society and its interrelationships are the model for all relationships. So it is hardly surprising that the Big Ten addresses the subject of social relationships by going to the core and giving one command about parent/children relations.
Respect
your father and your mother, and you will live a long time in the land I am
giving you.
Exodus 20:12
(CEV)
We would be foolish to think that just putting the clock back to some previous era we can solve the problems of society. Our gospel is not get back to the past but get right to God. And as we were reminded last week, the Law is not the way because it simply shows our failure without any means to resolve the conflict we have with God. Jesus is the only way because he steps into our failure and has taken the punishment in our place. Salvation is by grace alone through faith alone. So we ended last week with these words from Paul to the Galatians 2: 20-21
The life I live in the body, I
live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I
do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through
the law, Christ died for nothing!"
We turn to the Old Testament to find our weaknesses and our faults and bring them to Jesus asking that through his Holy Spirit we may be transformed into the people God intended us to be. SO what has the Bible to say about child – parent relationships?
I want to read a whole list of references just to get a feel for this subject from God’s Word. So they will appear on the screen rather than you having to turn to them.
Respect your father and your mother, and you
will live a long time in the land I am giving you.
Exodus 20:12
(CEV)
Respect your father and mother, and you will
live a long and successful life in the land I am giving you.
Deuteronomy 5:16 (CEV)
Death is the punishment for attacking your
father or mother.
Exodus 21:15
CEV
Death is the punishment for cursing your
father or mother.
Exodus 21:17
CEV
If you curse your
father or mother, you will be put to death, and it will be your own fault.
Leviticus
20:9 CEV
None of you honour your parents, and you
cheat foreigners, orphans, and widows.
Ezekiel 22:7
CEV
Grandparents are
proud of their grandchildren, and children should be proud of their parents.
Proverbs 17:6 CEV
1 Then some Pharisees and
teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, 2 "Why do your disciples break the
tradition of the elders? They don't wash their hands before they eat!"
3 Jesus replied, "And why do
you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God said, 'Honour your
father and mother' and 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to
death.' 5 But you say
that if a man says to his father or mother, 'Whatever help you might otherwise
have received from me is a gift devoted to God,' 6 he is not to 'honour his father' with
it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. 7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he
prophesied about you: 8 " 'These people honour me
with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 9 They
worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.'"
. It is useless for you to worship me, when you teach
rules made up by humans." You disobey God's commands in order to obey what
humans have taught. You are good at rejecting God's commands so that you can
follow your own teachings! Didn't Moses command you to respect your father and
mother? Didn't he tell you to put to death all who curse their parents? But you
let people get by without helping their parents when they should. You let them
say that what they own has been offered to God. You won't let those people help
their parents. And you ignore God's commands in order to follow your own teaching.
You do a lot of other things that are just as bad.
Mark 7:7-13 CEV
Children, you
belong to the Lord, and you do the right thing when you obey your parents. The
first commandment with a promise says, "Obey your father and your mother,
and you will have a long and happy life."
Ephesians 6:1-3 CEV
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, they should
learn to serve God by taking care of her, as she once took care of them. This
is what God wants them to do.
1 Timothy 5:4 CEV
Honour means Appreciate, Affirm, Thank, Accept, Respect, Forgive and NOT Abandon.
Appreciate
We start as children by assuming parents do what parents do so it is part of growing up that learns that the care and the love is part of a long term commitment on the part of a parent. At that point we need to express that appreciation not just to our parents but to the world at large. Knocking parents is a teenage behaviour and it is wrong then and we should grow out of it. Loyalty goes both ways. But I want to suggest that honour goes further. It looks to recognise love even when it is obscured by poor parental behaviour. You see it is easy to remember the bad times but we need to work at remembering the good times, the evidence of sacrifice and staying power and interest and creativity and whatever else your parents put into parenting.
Thank
There are two sides to this. First being thankful to God for the good that you have received through your parents, even poor parents. Secondly being thankful to them. Parents do not grow out of appreciating small tokens of love and gratitude. You cannot repay the investment but you can invest in your own children as an act of gratitude. The greatest inheritance we receive is not what the government can tax but the love and care which is best appreciated by passing it on. And you don’t have to wait until your parents are dead to invest it!
Obedience
to Acceptance
We all know that the Bible teaches that children should obey their parents. I have heard it said that it only applies to children and not adults but the text does not support that nor is there any supporting scripture. However, as adults, if our relationship with our parents has not changed we simply haven’t grown up! An adult’s relationship with their parents is about respect and that begins with acceptance. As a young child my parents were my whole worldview. As an adult I discover my parents are sinners just like me, with strengths and weaknesses, different opinions, maybe quite different worldview. I still aim to please my parents but I do not expect them to tell me what to do nor do I obey simply because they ask.
The problem area is being a teenager. That is when you
discover your parents’ faults, what is wrong with their world view, their
lifestyle, in fact a teenager knows their parents faults and deeply resents the
obey bit. The good news is that we should grow out of it. There are
circumstances when having a mature adult relationship with parents is difficult
if not impossible but that is rare. So
what does a teenager have to learn about parents? Having discovered all their
parents’ faults and weaknesses they have to
Forgive
This is where the words of Jesus in Matthew 5 become significant. He links our asking God to ‘forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’
Following Jesus impacts on our respect for our parents because we are under obligation to forgive them for their faults. When we find that difficult we need to spend time with Jesus asking for his Holy Spirit to deal with our lack of forgiveness. You cannot do it alone and it is a lifetime commitment to let go of the anger and bitterness that past events have on us. But by doing so we are released from the past and able to build proper relationships.
But for us as Christians it starts with knowing that we are forgiven by God. To know that when Jesus died on the cross he took all God’s wrath against my sin on himself so that I am liberated. Look this is crucial to our understanding. Forgiveness is an essential ingredient for a saved sinner. Your relationship with God is based on forgiveness and that forgiveness should permeate down to your relationships with others. Some would in fact argue that you need to open yourself up before Jesus and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal even unconscious resentment and an unforgiving attitude to our parents and let God cleanse and heal. Many of us cannot address these issues with our parents because they have died. But God can and does heal where past events distort present attitudes and actions.
We know this to be true in all relationships. One useful one liner is
Never ever say “never ever”
So often when upset we drag up the past with “you always…” “You never …” Forgiveness is a lifetime commitment not to return to the past hurts and allow them to dominate our thinking.
Jesus has promised that he will remember our sins no more, for ever. Unfortunately we keep remembering so we have to keep letting go. But forgiving is a good habit to develop.
Foster
relationships
I am aware that many of us no longer have parents but these principles apply to all relationships. Family, marriage and the spiritual family. We do need to foster relationships. We are constantly tempted to be selfish, not find time for others, because we want to get on with our own lives. Our society places such high value on wealth and such a low value on relationships it would have as a proverb
“Better to eat a fine meal alone than waste time eating with friends unless they are paying”
God says “ Better a meal of vegetables where love is than a fatted calf with hatred”. Proverbs 15:17
Spend time together
Time is your most valuable asset so spend it on what you value most. The godly person will value relationship above everything. First their relationship with God and secondly their relationship with others. In this context, parents are high on the ‘others’ list.
Doing things together, just being together, eating together not so much doing things for our parents but being with them. However -
Support
The Bible is quite clear that a Christian is responsible for the care of the elderly in their family, in particular their parents. Specifically
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, they should learn to serve
God by taking care of her, as she once took care of them. This is what God
wants them to do.
1 Timothy 5:4 CEV
God designed society to work in families. And service to God is more appreciated in caring for elderly relatives than just worshipping on Sunday mornings. And it is not always fun. Sometimes it is endless clinic visits, lots of listening to the same story told three times an hour. Sometimes it is knowing that your best care is to place them in a home rather than soldier on your own. Different people having different temperaments and so there are no rules here, just a sensible response of love.
Where ‘family’ cannot work we need to be the extended family. And in Christ we are brothers and sisters. What I mean is that we find means to support the carers and the cared for. That means networking with the family. It means that we try to do hospital visits when the family can’t. Dropping in, or ringing up matters. Jean Patterson had a bad week last week as nobody visited and two trips out were cancelled or postponed. She could be here this morning if someone is willing to add picking her up and taking her home to their getting to church, even on the odd occasion. I know it would be appreciated.
Don’t
give up on any family member.
They say blood is thicker than water. And our gospel is that God did not give up
on you. Family may embarrass us, humiliate us, but we hold that God loves
unconditionally and we should love unconditionally. I have always remembered
seeing, on TV, a note stuck on a door by a mother whose son had committed
murder. She simply wrote that he was her son and she loved him unconditionally
in spite of what he had done. That was all she would say to the press.
The fifth Command is Respect your father and your mother, and you will live a long time in the
land I am giving you.
I believe it targets a key relationship. But
we need to apply it to al relationships. But relationships are a two-way
street. and
Parents need to earn respect.
They need to Provide, Protect, Love, have time for, Punish fairly, forgive, Best Investment.
So there it is then. One of the core values of the kingdom of God is about love and respect for our family and that is meant to be a model for all our relationships. So if you have no family apply this to your family in Christ. At the heart of it is to invest in all relationships, especially your relationship with God.
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